I could make wine with my vomit
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
