I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
