listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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