Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
