I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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