I skipped work to stalk him.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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