I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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