Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
