Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
