my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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