He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
