sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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