i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Randomize
