threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
