I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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