My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
