I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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