I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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