did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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