I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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