I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Randomize
