I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
