i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Randomize
