Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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