2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
