Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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