ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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