All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
soo... how was my night?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
