She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
