I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
