How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize