I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
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