i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
