I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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