Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
