I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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