today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He shit in the fireplace
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
