I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize