I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
