dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
