I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
