she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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