i just wanna soil my oats bro
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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