I wish you could order shots online.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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