I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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