i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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