3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
