We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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