So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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