We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize