My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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