I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
