Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
