My first STD was from a foam party
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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