I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
