You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
