He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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