He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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