you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
