i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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